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SAMPLE STORY OPENING
-- "PRAIRIE WINDS"
By Duff Fairmont
It was one of those windy prairie days, Cade thought. Wind carried dust into every crevice, and sharp bits of sand blasted painted walls and unprotected faces. Cade had known this unceasing wind all of his life, and it had been a constant enemy. In his twenties, young and strong, he'd ignored the wind and had gone about his work, but now his face had paid the price for too much sun, too much wind, too much sand. Three days of beard growth could not hide the deep grooves in his face -- grooves as relentless as the wind and the weather that had caused them.
"Dang," Cade said to no one. "It don't never end."
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SAMPLE CRITIQUE OPENING
-- "PRAIRIE WINDS"
Hello, Duff ...
Congratulations. You stated in your notes that you wanted to share your feelings about the world you live in. You've succeeded in doing what you set out to do. You revealed your windy world without pulling any punches, and your respect for that world came through very well. Despite the harsh climate, your story showed your affection for the place you described, with all of its faults.
You've put a lot of time, thought and effort into this story and I don't want to make too many unnecessary changes. The structure is strong, and the plot builds to an outstanding pinnacle.
And yet ... In order for the reader to appreciate the building of the tension and the powerful ending, the reader must first get there, and the current opening may not have the power to hold the reader. We take a chance whenever we begin a story with the weather. Many readers will respond with, "Weather? Ho-hum." What I see here is not bad writing. On the contrary, the writing is quite sharp. And I know the weather plays a part in the story and plays an important role in the setting. But is there some way you could alter the opening? It would help even if you just shortened it a bit, like this ...
Cade had known this unceasing wind all of his life, and it had been a constant enemy. With his back to the wind, he saddled the roan horse and thought about the cattle he needed to find. Three cow-calf pairs had come up missing, and if he didn't find them today, they might be gone for good. This time of year, storms could develop out of nowhere.
He tightened the cinch and mounted up, turning to the west and squinting against sun and wind. A spasm of pain ripped through his left knee. He was getting too old to fight the elements.
What do you think? For me, starting with a person is better than starting with the weather.
Now let's look at some other aspects of the story ...
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